"As for me, I'll take one baby marinated in a dish please"

Here we go again……

Well, we are officially taking the plunge and going back to Prague. Tickets have been bought. Reservations at Gennet are made, and now it’s time to get my mind focused and the rest of my baby weight off ….eye roll.

I’m actually pretty close to getting those last pounds off. In part because after Ellyette got the stomach flu last week, I got it too. And magically 3 pounds disappeared. I call it the “stomach acid diet.” It’s not for the faint of heart, but might be worth a book at some point.

One of my other motivations is this d-bag personal trainer at Gold’s Gym who upon doing my “short term” and “long term” goals, informed me he thought my short term goals should be to lose 2 pounds a week. For a year. Yes my friends, that amounts to 96 pounds, which means I would weigh less than 30 pounds at the end of the year if he got his way.

My long term goal was to lose 10 pounds.

Where the discrepancy lies between his goals and mine, I do not know. However, I can tell you that the whole “you are your own harshest critic” was completely debunked with that assessment.

So now whenever I see him at the gym, I put my snarkiest “you are terrible at math, you idiot” face on, and run an extra 15 minutes.

Maybe that was his plan to begin with….Whatever, still totally insulting.

Mad No

The other piece to getting ready for this adventure is mentally preparing for IVF. So naturally, rather than do anything ultra productive after Ellyette goes to bed, I will lurk and get the highs and lows of my community out there. And this time I will do it with no shame. Take that Ben Hummel. Did you here me? I WILL LURK INFERTILITY BOARDS WITH NO SHAME!!!

Oh infertility, and all the smilies that go with it, I have missed you so. Big Dancing Banana


’ll take two heaping servings of mom guilt with an extra side of feeling judged”

My sister sent me this text the other day (the middle text)
This is the same sister who:
Coached  me all though the night and into the next day when I was in labor.  After just having her son 9 -weeks prior.
Sends lists of things to do with E that don’t involve Disney Jr.
Still breastfeeds her 14-month-old because it is the best, most pure nutrition in addition to create extra bonding time.
Sends me freezer recipes that are both healthy and organic.
Hangs out with her boys outside in the cold Washington rain because that is what they want to do.
Goes on date nights once a week to keep her marriage healthy.
Refuses the cry-it-out method.
Doesn’t have cable.
Doesn’t give her kids candy or McDonalds.
Has patience to rival Jesus.
And please note, that the text is sandwiched between two texts with “things to do besides TV for E.
And then the day after I read that text, I read this blog post shawnisms by one of my good friends about mom guilt.  To sum it up, she feels guilty for not feeling “mom guilt” because most moms feel guilt – about everything.  – so essentially, guilt for not feeling guilt.  Impressive.
So of course, I dug deep down within to see how I was doing on the mom guilt scale.  At first ponder, I thought I had very little mom guilt.  After all, Ben and I together agreed that sitting Ellyette in front of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse every morning at 6:00 a.m. so we could drink our coffee and wake up was perfectly acceptable despite the potential language development delay it will probably cause.
Under further assessment, I concluded that, no I did not have much mom guilt, so a quick pat on the back and some Mickey Mouse Club later, that was that.
But then, she woke up last night throwing up.  I spent the next 8 hours holding her tiny body, cleaning up throw-up and trying to figure out what I had done to cause her to get sick (naturally).  Was it the handful of blueberries I didn’t wash before letting her eat them? Did I let her out of my sight long enough to let her swallow something poisonous?  Did I let her drink bad milk?  Did I pull her off fast enough when she decided to French kiss the shopping cart?
Yep.  The mommy guilt came pouring on like government excuses in an NSA leak. (too soon?)  It hit me when I least expected it and made me feel, well, bad.
This morning (during nap time of course to avoid extra guilt) I went online to check out how come mom’s feel so bad about everything and blame themselves for things that are totally out of their control.  The first article on the first page  (of the 24,900,000 “mom guilt” pages that popped up) was Parenting Magazine’s  31 Resons you shouldn't feel mom guilt
What a mistake I made by reading that.  The ludicrous content of the article made me realize why moms do feel guilty all the time.  I’m guessing the article was written by the original sanctimommy herself. I mean come on.  Who would seriously feel guilty about being a better parent than the deadbeats on Supernanny?  And then “employs her techniques” if we see something we can incorporate into our own parenting.  Blah. Blah. Blah
Just read some of the ridiculousness from its top 31….
2 Feeling smug that you're a better parent than those on Supernanny. No worries. We all feel smug watching Supernanny. Until we don't, at which time we employ her techniques.
3 Not signing up to be class parent. Think of it this way: Your ability to say no to volunteer tasks you can't handle will leave you better able to concentrate on what only you can do, like getting your kids fed, dressed, and onto the bus. Some days, that's huge!
6 Buying your daughter the generic UGGs. She'll live without the label, even if she thinks she will not, and her tootsies will be just as toasty.
8 Giving him the answer to the last problem on his math homework. He'll get more practice with the teacher in school.
9 Dipping into your son's goody bag when he isn't looking. What's a funsize Snickers between family members?
11 Accepting your son's compliment that you're a good cook when he's eating pre-breaded microwave chicken breasts. You did your part. You pressed "Start."
13 Stashing the Häagen-Dazs in the back of the freezer, and showcasing the supermarket brand. If they're not ready to dig, they're not ready to appreciate the premium stuff.
16 Making your daughter get down from the top of the monkey bars, simply because it makes you nervous. Yes, she's done it a million times safely, and she'll likely do it again, but who says you have to watch? Your comfort level counts, too!
17 Making the grandparents take them to "Disney on Ice." It's torture for you, but for them, it's a future memory they'll cherish forever. What's the problem?
19 Being psyched that the best friend you never liked has moved to another state. You're not happy your daughter is upset, of course, and you'll help her through it. But being secretly pleased that you won't ever have to host Little Miss Caitlin-Who-Gets-to-Wear-Belly-Shirts for a sleepover again doesn't make you a bad person.
23 Only pretending to be sad that your child's birthday falls in mid-August. No gigantic birthday parties, full of political decisions as to whom to invite.
27 Not letting her pierce her ears until the age at which you were allowed to. Just because.
29 Noticing the hot dad at drop-off. Ahem, you have eyes in your head, and (sex drive or no) you're not dead yet! Did you lick him? No? You're okay.
Who would ever feel guilty about any of those things before the list just told us we should…err.. shouldn’t?  Come on, noticing a hot dad at drop off was on the list?  I could see, “blaming yourself for your child throwing up all night.”  Or “Blaming yourself for your child being kicked out of Sunday School for slide tackling the other kids”  When you didn’t even know what slide tacking was until the Sunday School teacher told you.  Or possibly, “Feeding your kids things in boxes or cans.”  Or perhaps, “letting your kid watch TV, especially the non PBS type. Those are all things that cause unwarranted “mommy guilt.”  Not “stashing the name brand ice-cream in the back of the freezer.” 
Give me a break.  
So what or who sets the standards of acceptable vs. unacceptable child rearing practices?  Is it articles like the one above, other moms?  Society in general?
I semi-regularly visit a Facebook page called Sanctimommy.  It is a satire (I think?) about a totally judgmental mom who posts obnoxious self-righteous opinions about raising children.  I always get a good laugh out of it because it is so, well, sanctimonious.  Here are just a couple of her posts.
Pretty entertaining, even though I am left-handed – scorn you, my parents.  
I’m not sure if pages like this add or detract from mom judgement, but one thing is for sure.  People and their opinions are not going away any time soon.  The most I can do for myself is work on getting my ticker back down to 1 and just do the best I can. And if she turns out to be a menace? I’ll just blame her friends.


#Learning code>

Check out what I’ve been doing all week! I found this cool template and one thing led to another. I kept plugging away until my blog quit saying "error, system break" and "error, cannot process, and all kinds of other errors that caused this blog to not work.

And while the last couple days have not been without channeled rage and wanting to quit altogether, I’m finally happy with the way things look. And, as an added bonus, I got edjumicated in computer code.  Fun! #not really $*%#$%

Look what I can read! Maybe I’ll even learn more after I deal with this splitting headache. But probably not.


Running with scissors

In the last two weeks, Ellyette has gone from crawling to running. What she doesn’t realize, is that she can barely walk, let alone run. Her two-legged movements are awkward at best and when you pair that with her nonsensical babble, she looks and sounds like a drunken pirate.

And it’s not like I expect drunken pirates or a one-year-old to have any sensibility, but once she realized her feet were around for more than toe sucking, any amount of caution that she might have exercised before she learned to walk has been completely abandoned.

This little girl is trying her hardest to end up back in the ER. Every morning she wakes up daring me to look away for two-seconds so she can do such activities as run around blocks in her mouth, pull down the shower curtain, or throw whatever she can get her grubby little fingers on. And that’s just where it starts. Before her first nap at 9:00 a.m., she has usually defied about a dozen major accidents.

Example of our morning:

Wake up 6:00 a.m. – rip diaper off, pee in crib and bang head against crib slots until I go get her.

6:20 a.m.- Officially start the day after unsuccessfully trying to get her to go back to sleep with me as she has already tried to launch herself from the bed to the floor three times.

6:30 a.m. – go into rec room aka "her toy room" where she proceeds to ignore all of her toys and instead grabs the curtains trying to pull them down on top of her.

6:45 a.m. – wants to help me make coffee and press all of the buttons on the machine. Once all the buttons are pressed and the hot coffee is starting to go into the pot, she wants to touch the super hot pot.

7:00 a.m. – She wants to go outside with the dogs and rather than touch all the leaves on our trees and point at the birds like she used too, she wants to dive bomb into the pool and then proceeds to cry when I don’t let her.

7:30 a.m. – Speed walk time – with blocks in mouth. When I take the blocks out of her mouth, she bangs her head on the tile.

7:40 a.m. – moves to completely tiled room where she tries to sprint only to get tangled up in her own feet.

8:00 a.m. – wants to help me make eggs by trying to touch the hot stove

8:30 a.m. after eating breakfast she wants to head over to the computer desk and pull drawers in and out as fast as they will go. Thus far, she has dodged the finger smash with me sacrificing my own fingers as a drawer stopper.

8:40 a.m. – Goes from the drawers to trying to stand on the printer.

8:50 a.m. – from the printer to opening and shutting doors. Thus far, she has dodged the finger smash with me sacrificing my foot as a door stopper.

9:00 a.m. – Her last hoorah before nap? Computer chords and electrical outlets.

BED TIME!!! Disaster averted

Although, she did get her first shiner with Ben the other day. She was racing around the house with her walker and got her legs mixed up in the wheels.

Thinking it's finally time to finish that baby proofing I've put off for the last year....