"As for me, I'll take one baby marinated in a dish please"

That was a waste of life that I’ll never get back

I’ve watched a lot of ridiculous television. It’s almost embarrassing the shows I can say that I’ve seen at least once (ummm. Honey Boo Boo). But the worst show of all time; OF ALL TIME, has to be “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” It annoys me to even type it out.

That guy is a total moron. Such a moron. I keep repeating myself because I am pretty sure I got dumber while watching it. And while I find that there are a lot of idiot reality stars on TV, most of them do something to keep viewers entertained. For example; they fist fight, have hoards of children or wives, lose massive amounts of weight, get arrested for public drunkenness, try to overcome a drug habit, find true love, cook stuff, travel, catch crab, blow things up, or are awesomely white trash, just to name a few.

Ryan Lochte does none of those things. He swims and says really stupid things. But not stupid things like Jessica Simpson, which tended to be ridiculous and entertaining. No, Lochte says stupid things that are downright painful to hear. And he says them much too slowly, dragging out the agony of listening to his voice.

To his credit, maybe my expectations were a little high. After all, the guy represented the USA in the last Olympics. He had to train incredibly hard to get to those gold medals. I just assumed he would be smart and dedicated as well as look dreamy in that tiny little Speedo.

But over-estimate I did. And in hindsight, I shouldn’t have expected much from a guy who tried to wear a fake grill to accept a gold metal at the Olympics. Fortunately, Olympic officials banned him from wearing it on the podium so the country wasn’t totally embarrassed. But that didn’t stop him from sporting it afterward….

In his words (read slow to try to understand his logic)

"For those who don't know what a grill is, it's basically a retainer filled with diamonds," Lochte said in the interview. "I wear it when I go on the podium. It's just a unique way of showing personality out to everyone." – USA Today

Thanks Ryan Lochte for showing your unique personality out to everyone.

Your grill is awesome man!! Wish I was that cool

And that wasn’t my only clue that the show would be terrible. This is also the guy who has his put his stamp on American culture with a line of neon 80’s sunglasses with words written across the plastic lenses and a catch phrase of “jeah”…..What does “jeah” mean you wonder? Allow him to explain:

"I think it just happened," Lochte says of the phrase's origin. "Like we were swimming at the World Championships, and someone asked me a question which you would reply with like a 'yeah,' but instead I said 'jeah!' I put a J in front of it, and they were like, 'What did you just say?' And I said, 'Jeah!' And they're like, 'Uh, OK.' And they're just like, 'This guy's wacked.' ... Because I always like being different, and I want to be different, and it just kind of stuck with me after I said that."

Thanks for dropping your knowledge, Lochte. I’m officially dumber for it.

Sweet shades bro! Too bad they came after Kayne had the same style, like 5-years-ago

So if the above pictures don't paint a picture of the type of guy Ryan Lochte is; allow me to post a few more telling shots:

Fake vested V-neck

+ fedora

What do you get?

A guy who has business cards that are shiny and magnificent. Jeagerbombs for everyone!!

Now back to the show:

Here is a quick recap of what I saw:

Lochte talking really slow to a bunch of eight-year-old kids. Debatable who had the bigger vocabulary, but my bet was on the kids.

Lochte shooting pool with his “bros” while they dissed marriage and laughed like duh duh duh.

Locthe showing off his bachelor pad, which looked like a total bachelor pad complete with black leather couch, video games, and one fake Picasso.

Lochte swimming.

Lochte introducing to the world his “lady friend from England.” He wouldn’t dare go so far as call her a “girlfriend,” that would imply he was off the market for one night stands.

Lochte having reflection time with the interviewer, which also sounded like duh duh duh.

A truly wasted 30 minutes of my life.