"As for me, I'll take one baby marinated in a dish please"

Happy Birthday Sweet Ellyette

In the last 360 days our lives changed more than we ever thought possible. I've compiled a list of how the bulk of our last year was spent. Happy Birthday to our sweet and amazing little girl

20,000 laps around our house to try to put her to sleep. 60,000 if you include Ben’s laps

330 sleepless nights

4 weeks of cry-it-out

1 case of dairy sensitivity

2 teeth

20 trips to the zoo

40 trips to the pool

50 trips to the park

1 trip to the emergency room

200 dance parties

30 diapers but 1,000 poops

5 trips to Arizona by the grandparents

2 trips to Washington to see the grandparents

4 states traveled

100,000 hugs and kisses

1,000 readings of “Fuzzy Bunnies,” “Snuggle Puppy,” “Love Bug,” Easter Bunny,” “Zoo Animals,” and “Oh the Thinks you can Think.”

500 readings of “Hey Baby,” “Buenos Dias Baby,” and "How do we make a Rainbow?"

100 readings of a 2010 bird calendar complete with auto bird calls

100 episodes of car seat tears

10 full-on temper tantrums (oh ya, that's happening)

360 more loads of laundry

12 new stains in house from urine, spit up and squeeze packet purees

30,000 texts to and from Ben discussing her sleeping, eating, crying, poop, and developmental habits

500 cell pictures to and from Ben of “how cute we think our kid is”

150 phone calls to and from Ben with war stories about how long she cried or how little she slept

10 million thoughts as to how lucky we are

A house full of stuffed animals, blocks, books and various plastic toys that sing, talk, play music and have flashing lights.

Countless bumps and bruises from learning to sit, crawl, walk, and hang with the dogs

Countless amounts of belly laughs, from all three of us

More love, joy, laughter, sleep deprivation and anxiety then I ever knew was possible.

Happy Birthday to the best thing that has ever happened to us and our dreams that finally became reality.


It all started when she asked me to be secretary of the PTA…..

I was shocked the other day when one of my best friends announced that she was going to be secretary of the PTA for her kid’s school next year. I guess she didn’t really “announce” it, more like stated that she had been roped into it, but how it probably wouldn’t be all that bad because all she had to do was take notes. Plus, she told me that they always make sure to have wine at whoever’s house the meetings are at.

While I love my wine, not even that could entice me to take notes for the PTA. And the kicker of the whole thing is, not only do you NOT get paid for this position, you have to get elected into it.. Ballots and everything. Even if you are running against yourself (which she is doing), people still have to cast their vote that you are indeed “good enough” to take notes for their child’s parent teacher association.

The whole conversation was slightly alarming to me as in the last year I have done all kinds of things I said that I would never do. Children’s music in the car, co-sleeping, veggie straws, “Sophia the First," a room dedicated to flashing lights, pink plastic, and wood blocks. And the list goes on from there. In the last year, I have leaped over most of the boundaries that my “pre-baby” self set. What’s to say that I too won’t be immune from PTA? It is a chilling thought, really, to think that you know your limits and then BAM! A line is crossed that can’t be uncrossed.

After PTA, then what? Fundraising committee president? School play volunteer? Field trip coordinator? Volunteer crosswalk guard? Recess duty? RECESS DUTY??? TELL ME THIS ISN'T MY FUTURE.

Then what? Will it be time to trade in my car for a black SUV with numerous flower and animal bobble heads attached to the front dash, Tinker bell seat covers, stuffed animals in the rear window, a smiley face antenna decoration and window paint congratulation my first and fifth grader for making it to the next grade level?

Oh wait….

To the lady parked outside of Trader Joe's whose vehicle this is. Thank you for the reminder of what exactly the harm is in saying yes to the PTA.


Happy Mother's Day to ME!

Finally, another holiday besides my birthday to celebrate ME!!!

All kidding aside, I really had a good Mother's Day. And not just because it started with three mimosas. The last year really has been overwhelming amazing (even though a lot of it blurs together…) Ben and I worked so hard and spent so much money to have the opportunity to be parents and now, here we are. I could not be happier or more proud of my first Mothers Day.

So, in honor of all you mamas out there, I have written down all the things I have said in the last year, that I would have never even thought about only one-year-ago.

10: “Sleep? Who needs it?”

9: “She ripped off her diaper and pooped in her crib? I’ll take care of it when she wakes up, and not a second before.”

8. “I know I said I would never feed her processed foods and I know I judged you for feeding your kid KRAFT, but desperate times call for desperate measures.”

7. “Of course I’ll be on time. If ‘on time’ means 45 minutes late.”

6. “My favorite spot to hang out? Why the zoo of course. Duh.”

5. “Quit looking at me like that, the ice cream she is eating is dairy free. Geez, people without kids are SO judgmental.”

4. “Don’t put that in your mouth!!”

3. “Let’s just cuddle, I’m so tired. In fact, let’s not even do that. Let’s just go to sleep.”

2. “No, I don’t know what ‘dika dika dik, boopa doopa do’ means, but it makes her smile so wipe that smirk off your face.”

1. “Between cleaning a yard full of dog poop up and changing a bunch of diapers, I have so much shit in my life that I really don’t have time for yours.”

I salute all you moms out there and those of you still trying!!! It's worth the journey.


That was a waste of life that I’ll never get back

I’ve watched a lot of ridiculous television. It’s almost embarrassing the shows I can say that I’ve seen at least once (ummm. Honey Boo Boo). But the worst show of all time; OF ALL TIME, has to be “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” It annoys me to even type it out.

That guy is a total moron. Such a moron. I keep repeating myself because I am pretty sure I got dumber while watching it. And while I find that there are a lot of idiot reality stars on TV, most of them do something to keep viewers entertained. For example; they fist fight, have hoards of children or wives, lose massive amounts of weight, get arrested for public drunkenness, try to overcome a drug habit, find true love, cook stuff, travel, catch crab, blow things up, or are awesomely white trash, just to name a few.

Ryan Lochte does none of those things. He swims and says really stupid things. But not stupid things like Jessica Simpson, which tended to be ridiculous and entertaining. No, Lochte says stupid things that are downright painful to hear. And he says them much too slowly, dragging out the agony of listening to his voice.

To his credit, maybe my expectations were a little high. After all, the guy represented the USA in the last Olympics. He had to train incredibly hard to get to those gold medals. I just assumed he would be smart and dedicated as well as look dreamy in that tiny little Speedo.

But over-estimate I did. And in hindsight, I shouldn’t have expected much from a guy who tried to wear a fake grill to accept a gold metal at the Olympics. Fortunately, Olympic officials banned him from wearing it on the podium so the country wasn’t totally embarrassed. But that didn’t stop him from sporting it afterward….

In his words (read slow to try to understand his logic)

"For those who don't know what a grill is, it's basically a retainer filled with diamonds," Lochte said in the interview. "I wear it when I go on the podium. It's just a unique way of showing personality out to everyone." – USA Today

Thanks Ryan Lochte for showing your unique personality out to everyone.

Your grill is awesome man!! Wish I was that cool

And that wasn’t my only clue that the show would be terrible. This is also the guy who has his put his stamp on American culture with a line of neon 80’s sunglasses with words written across the plastic lenses and a catch phrase of “jeah”…..What does “jeah” mean you wonder? Allow him to explain:

"I think it just happened," Lochte says of the phrase's origin. "Like we were swimming at the World Championships, and someone asked me a question which you would reply with like a 'yeah,' but instead I said 'jeah!' I put a J in front of it, and they were like, 'What did you just say?' And I said, 'Jeah!' And they're like, 'Uh, OK.' And they're just like, 'This guy's wacked.' ... Because I always like being different, and I want to be different, and it just kind of stuck with me after I said that."

Thanks for dropping your knowledge, Lochte. I’m officially dumber for it.

Sweet shades bro! Too bad they came after Kayne had the same style, like 5-years-ago

So if the above pictures don't paint a picture of the type of guy Ryan Lochte is; allow me to post a few more telling shots:

Fake vested V-neck

+ fedora

What do you get?

A guy who has business cards that are shiny and magnificent. Jeagerbombs for everyone!!

Now back to the show:

Here is a quick recap of what I saw:

Lochte talking really slow to a bunch of eight-year-old kids. Debatable who had the bigger vocabulary, but my bet was on the kids.

Lochte shooting pool with his “bros” while they dissed marriage and laughed like duh duh duh.

Locthe showing off his bachelor pad, which looked like a total bachelor pad complete with black leather couch, video games, and one fake Picasso.

Lochte swimming.

Lochte introducing to the world his “lady friend from England.” He wouldn’t dare go so far as call her a “girlfriend,” that would imply he was off the market for one night stands.

Lochte having reflection time with the interviewer, which also sounded like duh duh duh.

A truly wasted 30 minutes of my life.