"As for me, I'll take one baby marinated in a dish please"

She really likes Trans-Siberian Orchestra?

Exactly one year ago, I felt Ellyette kick for the very first time. And at that time, she was still referred to as Ziggy Stardust Hummel. When we branded her as a David Bowie alter-ego, I just thought it was a funny name by a 80’s rock star that was as gender neutral as a person can get. Is it man? Is it a she-man? A woman? Who knows? Who cares. It is Ziggy Stardust.

I didn’t think about the consequences of naming her after a musician until her first kick just happened to be at a Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert. I immediately became concerned for several reasons:

She liked the music she was hearing.

She was already into musicians.

The possibility that she was SOSing me for an electric violin on her first birthday.

She was already into musicians…..

Not that I have anything against musicians in general, I just don’t want my daughter to ever date one. Musicians are an interesting breed. And I can say this with full confidence that I know what I’m talking about. I worked in a music store for the better part of my extremely extensive college career (aka FOREVER (just ask my dad)), played in a couple different bands, and hung out with my fair share of musical folk. Some would even say, I used to be one.

Here is the thing with musicians. They are poor. Very, very poor. And every penny that does come into their possession, goes towards gear. I can’t even begin to count the number of transactions that I made at Manna Music where when the money comes in (like tax refunds), rather than do the responsible thing, like pay a credit card, back child-support (which most have…), or put it in savings; a musician will buy a distortion petal. If he has more money available to him, he will just buy more stuff. Because a musician can never have enough stuff. And that includes ex-wives and girlfriends.

Also, musicians are slightly narcissistic. A lead singer with no job, no car, no money, no possessions, no personality, and no future still thinks he is a great catch. It's as if when they look in the mirror, they see the rock star they want to be, rather than the dud that they are.

In addition, they tend to be over-sensitive and dramatic. Worse than a high-school girl getting rejected at a Friday night dance.

And finally, musicians will chase the dream of fame to the grave. TO THE GRAVE. And the life span of most musicians musicians is shorter because most of them smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, and are not afraid of drugs with pleasant sounding nicknames like, “Special K,” “Bathsalts,” and “Cocaine.”

No, I do not want Ellyette to date a musician. So I am hoping that when she gave me her first flutter of real kicks during the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert, what she was really excited about was the show. Although, it was a really bizarre show.

I thought I was going to see an orchestra play Christmas tunes. And possibly even a boys choir with their famous version of ‘Christmas Cannon.’ What I got was not even close.

I would have to describe Trans-Siberian Orchestra as a group of 80’s era, hair band loving, marching band discards that thought it would be a good idea to start a heavy metal meets electronica Christmas carol cover band. Uhh,Yeah.

The people attending the show were just as all over the place. Some people were super dressed up while other people were sporting leather jackets and mullets.
And the preferred beer on tap? Molson. Yes, you read that right, Molson.

It was a weird bunch of people to add to a weird group of entertainers. The show went from a spoken word about a homeless man (I think?)to a massive pyrotechnics show complete with fire breathing dragon all while the group is playing “Jingle Bells,” to the stage coming out into the audience so the electronic violin player could do a rockin’ solo to “Deck the Halls.” But the show wasn’t limited to just Christmas tunes. Unless it was, and just so electronica that not even I could decipher which tune was which.

It was a weird show. And one year later, I still can’t decide if I liked it. But clearly Ellyette did. So from here on out, I will be especially wary of guys who look like this.


  1. For some reason this totally made me laugh out loud till I snorted....especially the very last line...