"As for me, I'll take one baby marinated in a dish please"

A conversation with myself

Krista: "Hey. Remember when you said you were only going to let your child play with wooden "American made" toys? How you wouldn't let her play with anything plastic or "Made in China?""

Me: "Yes. I totally remember that conversation."

Krista: "Do you also remember when you said you wouldn't let your child have any "screen time" before the age of two? And that included TV, cell phone, iPad, or computer?"

Me: "Yes, I remember that too."

Krista: "How is all that working out for you?"

Me: "Ummmm. Not exactly as I had planned......"


A letter from the heart

Dear Sleep,

As I sit here at 2:30 a.m. wide-awake and miserable, I started thinking about you, me and we. It dawned on me that I have never given you the respect you deserve. I have never let you know how much I appreciate you. I have carelessly mismanaged our relationship and failed to recognize your true value. You know the saying, “you don’t know what you have until you lose it?” I feel that way about you, dear sleep. You are the Zoloft of my soul. Without you I am a lesser person. I become discombobulated and easily confused. I lash out at ridiculous things like unfolded clothes and muddy paw prints on the tile. I lose my patience with people and become quick tempered with terrible drivers. I often forget how amazing my life is.

Sleep, you complete me.

I hope one day you will forgive me for my lack of gratitude. I hope one day you will return. I promise to never neglect you again. I promise to celebrate all that you offer. I promise that even if you will give me three strait hours of your greatness in a row, I will become a better person. I will like myself better. People will like me better.

I cannot do this on my own, dear sleep. If ever I were to beg, it is here and now. Please come back to me. I will change my ways. I will love and respect our relationship. I will put you on the pedestal that you deserve. I want to move forward with you in my life. I beg you publicly, come back. Please come back.

Love always,



Holiday Reflections and New Year's Resolutions

Wow. Christmas flew by this year. And by flew, I mean passed right over my head and barely gave me a glimpse. It is entirely possible I missed the bulk of the holiday season because I was so busy at work (tis the season for holiday parties and holiday problems…) or because Ellyette doesn’t sleep so neither do I thus leaving me feeling groggy and grinch-like. Or maybe because she doesn’t yet have the same appreciation for National Lampoons Christmas Vacation, winter ales, holiday lights and Josh Grobin’s holiday album that I do.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation: A classic feel good tale about family and Christmas cheer. That and a cousin named Eddie with his shitter...

Because it went so fast, I thought I would take a slow moment to make a few reflections on Ellyette’s first Christmas and end the post with a few New Year’s resolutions.

Positive holiday reflections:

Being able to spend Christmas with family. Thank you parents for making that possible. Ellyette got to size up against all her male cousins and create a battle plan for future beat downs.

Pumpkin Loaf. So delicious. Thank you Kim for giving us the option of loaf with no nuts.

Boundary Bay Brewery. I love you Oatmeal Stout.

The first date I’ve had with Ben in 7 months - And all we did was talk about Ellyette.

Vacation: After a nightmare month of weddings and holiday parties where everything that could possible wrong did, vacation was the best thing that could have ever happened to my sanity. For Ben too. He finally got a break from his 65-hour weeks.

Getting the chance to hang out with good friends and cousins. Always a pleasure talking about nothing important for long periods of time and then feeling accomplished and fuzzy afterward.

Christmas - Because Christmas with a baby is just more fun.

She can thank me for this picture when she's older >:)

And while I pretty much love all things Christmas, it does have a couple drawbacks…..

Blow up characters and plastic yard ornaments

No, this picture wasn't taken at Big Lots, but it could have been.

Thanks neighbors for devaluing the whole block. Much appreciated!

Cars with antlers and red noses

Note to all: Red noses only look good on reindeers named Rudolph.

Last minute Christmas shopping - especially in Bellingham, WA

The post Christmas let down: Having no money, putting away decorations, putting Pandora back to Casperbaby Pants radio and taking down the sad dead tree.

On to New Years Resolutions:

1. I hear by resolve to try to get my blog posts up within a reasonable time from when I actually start writing them. It seems like I start one and it takes me a week or more to actually finish. And also redoing the format so it looks a little more feng shui.

2. Getting Ellyette to sleep. Ugggg. I think we are finally emotionally ready for cry it out. I think. Maybe. Hopefully. Possibly. Sort of.

3. Possibly going back to Prague to get E fizzle dizzle a sibling. Are you ready for more posts on European fashion? I personally can’t wait for more Tiva’s with socks paired with acid washed Genie pants. Oh snap.

And finally…..Getting enough corporate clients to finally start my own business. Hooray! That would mean no more brides and bridezillas. My nerves won’t last much longer dealing with wedding schenanigans. I don’t get paid nearly enough for that nonsense.

So far, I’m not doing so well because I started this post about four days ago and I’m just now getting around to posting it. That life, it gets in the way of everything….


She really likes Trans-Siberian Orchestra?

Exactly one year ago, I felt Ellyette kick for the very first time. And at that time, she was still referred to as Ziggy Stardust Hummel. When we branded her as a David Bowie alter-ego, I just thought it was a funny name by a 80’s rock star that was as gender neutral as a person can get. Is it man? Is it a she-man? A woman? Who knows? Who cares. It is Ziggy Stardust.

I didn’t think about the consequences of naming her after a musician until her first kick just happened to be at a Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert. I immediately became concerned for several reasons:

She liked the music she was hearing.

She was already into musicians.

The possibility that she was SOSing me for an electric violin on her first birthday.

She was already into musicians…..

Not that I have anything against musicians in general, I just don’t want my daughter to ever date one. Musicians are an interesting breed. And I can say this with full confidence that I know what I’m talking about. I worked in a music store for the better part of my extremely extensive college career (aka FOREVER (just ask my dad)), played in a couple different bands, and hung out with my fair share of musical folk. Some would even say, I used to be one.

Here is the thing with musicians. They are poor. Very, very poor. And every penny that does come into their possession, goes towards gear. I can’t even begin to count the number of transactions that I made at Manna Music where when the money comes in (like tax refunds), rather than do the responsible thing, like pay a credit card, back child-support (which most have…), or put it in savings; a musician will buy a distortion petal. If he has more money available to him, he will just buy more stuff. Because a musician can never have enough stuff. And that includes ex-wives and girlfriends.

Also, musicians are slightly narcissistic. A lead singer with no job, no car, no money, no possessions, no personality, and no future still thinks he is a great catch. It's as if when they look in the mirror, they see the rock star they want to be, rather than the dud that they are.

In addition, they tend to be over-sensitive and dramatic. Worse than a high-school girl getting rejected at a Friday night dance.

And finally, musicians will chase the dream of fame to the grave. TO THE GRAVE. And the life span of most musicians musicians is shorter because most of them smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, and are not afraid of drugs with pleasant sounding nicknames like, “Special K,” “Bathsalts,” and “Cocaine.”

No, I do not want Ellyette to date a musician. So I am hoping that when she gave me her first flutter of real kicks during the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert, what she was really excited about was the show. Although, it was a really bizarre show.

I thought I was going to see an orchestra play Christmas tunes. And possibly even a boys choir with their famous version of ‘Christmas Cannon.’ What I got was not even close.

I would have to describe Trans-Siberian Orchestra as a group of 80’s era, hair band loving, marching band discards that thought it would be a good idea to start a heavy metal meets electronica Christmas carol cover band. Uhh,Yeah.

The people attending the show were just as all over the place. Some people were super dressed up while other people were sporting leather jackets and mullets.
And the preferred beer on tap? Molson. Yes, you read that right, Molson.

It was a weird bunch of people to add to a weird group of entertainers. The show went from a spoken word about a homeless man (I think?)to a massive pyrotechnics show complete with fire breathing dragon all while the group is playing “Jingle Bells,” to the stage coming out into the audience so the electronic violin player could do a rockin’ solo to “Deck the Halls.” But the show wasn’t limited to just Christmas tunes. Unless it was, and just so electronica that not even I could decipher which tune was which.

It was a weird show. And one year later, I still can’t decide if I liked it. But clearly Ellyette did. So from here on out, I will be especially wary of guys who look like this.