"As for me, I'll take one baby marinated in a dish please"

Ways to ruin your kid without even knowing it

I just got done reading an article about how giving your baby a pacifier can cause such problems as depression, asthma, cardiovascular disease, metabolic syndrome, allergies, autoimmune disease and increased risk of ear infection.

If you don't feel like reading the article, here is a summary: A bacteria culture of a bunch of different pacifiers found all kinds of grossness which can lead the potential problems that I listed above. So unless you replace all of your pacifiers every two weeks and wash them daily, you are pretty much ruining your child.

And then, to add insult to injury, an article a couple pages over on Google had a different study that concluded pacifier use in boys can lead to emotional problems.

Absurd right? With all of the "studies" out there, from arsenic in rice to rocket fuel in formula, it got me thinking about all the ways I could ruin Ellyette without even knowing it. So I put together a shortlist of the a few of them.

Without further ado I present to you (drumroll please.....)

Krista's top 11 ways you can ruin your kid without even knowing it

11. Using a pacifier (see above articles)

10. Feeding your child formula. Will cause Salmonella, arsenic poisoning, obesity and diabetes.

9. But hold on, breastfeeding is also a no no. Apparently pesticides from that pineapple and banana I just finished are stored in my breast milk and will soon be passed to Ellyette the next time I feed her at a higher level then the FDA recommends.

8. And don't even think about juice, especially the apple and orange variety as it contains high levels of arsenic. And while you are at it, eliminate rice cereal for the same reason....

7. The century old "cry it out" method is no longer the preferred method of choice as it will give your baby brain damage and cause mental illness.

6. Sleeping on a crib mattress is no good either. It could be the root cause of SIDS

5. But co-sleeping on your mattress is just as bad. For the exact same reason.

4. Turn off the electronics! TV's, computers, ipads and any other "screens" are bad news for babies. Even "educational" programs are bad. That means YOU Baby Einstein. Screens can cause delayed learning and speech and later in life, obesity.

3. Disposable diapers will make little Johnny infertile later in life.

2. Lotion, bottom cream, body wash, soap and sunscreen often contain parabens. This means breast cancer, hormone issues, infertility and a host of other potential problems.

1. 1: Starting solids before six months: Will ensure allergies, obesity and type two diabetes.

0: But so will not starting solids until six months: For almost the same reasons....

And this list doesn't even include some of the other culprits like...another drumroll please......

immunizing your child

Not immunizing your child

Lead filled chinese toys

Stomach sleeping

Chemicals like formaldehyde in the furniture

And many many more....

So, to sum it all up:

You can’t feed your child until after he or she is six months old, no breast milk or formula, she can eat nothing. When you do start solids either before or after six months (it doest matter because you are wrong whenever you choose to make the introduction), you must avoid fruits, vegetables, juice, rice and pretty much all other food. And the food your child can eat, she will most likely be allergic too anyway. For entertainment, your child cannot play with anything made from China, which is everything - even a bunch of Melissa and Doug is made in the motherland these days. After all, you don't want to give your baby lead poisoning. Your child also can’t watch TV or play with any electronics. And yes, sucking on your iphone counts as screen time. She can play outside but she can’t use sunscreen. But she needs sunscreen to avoid skin cancer so she can't play outside. But she will get fat and aggressive if she stays inside. So you choose, fat and aggressive or skin cancer.

When bath time comes around she can get in the water, but can’t bathe with any bath products. She must only use cloth diapers or the "put newspaper on the floor and train her to pee on it like a dog method." The good news is, if you choose the newspaper method, you don’t have to worry about getting fecal matter on your furniture because you won’t have any - gotta avoid those chemicals!

Also, you also don’t have to worry about brain toxicity with the “cry it out method” because your child will not have a crib or mattress to sleep on. Although with the elimination of a pacifier they will have no way to self-sooth, so have fun with that.

And if all those studies haven't make your blood pressure skyrocket, I promise this one will. Direct from my favorite news source "The Onion" is the most in-depth of all studies: "Study Reaveals, Babies are Stupid." Gasp

So with that, I say good luck parents, we are all screwed.


  1. My kid is doomed...and I would say disposable diapers were the cause of my infertility, but I was a cloth diapered I guess I've made that result defunct....Thanks for sharing how I've completely effed up my kid I wen through hell to glad I went through all of that. LOL I was worried it would just be my parenting skills :)

    1. Hahaha! I'm sure cloth diapers cause infertility too. I just haven't found that article yet. And I thought my kid would be limited to just therapy from my parenting....Now I know she will have a host of other problems to worry about before her own mental health. Ha! Take that Ellyette.