"As for me, I'll take one baby marinated in a dish please"

Kidtacular Christmas

What is “kidtacular Christmas” you ask? It is a holiday season filled with brightly colored plastic toys rather than electronics. (Although this year for Christmas Ellyette is asking for 2 round-trip plane tickets to Washington to see her grandparents.) Pictures with Santa rather than happy hours with peppermint martinis. Zoolights with screaming kids and stroller wars rather than botanical garden luminaries and live music.

And for the most part, I welcome these changes. After all, who doesn’t want to fight for pavement space among the hundreds of strollers lined up to see an oversized talking giraffe at the Phoenix Zoo? It’s not everyday you see a chorus of meltdowns synchronized together by too much sugar and general over-stimulation.

And pictures with Santa? You bet we will withstand the enormous line at Bass Pro Shop to get a $25 5x7 of Ellyette screaming her head off with old St. Nick.

But for all the Christmas "must do's" that go with having a child, the one that I simply cannot for the life of me comprehend is the dreaded Elf on a Shelf. (Imagine me on my knees pleading with God for a moment and shouting,) "Why was this queer little creature invented and why oh why did it ever catch on?"

Actually, I know why it caught on. Because some mom, who obviously hates all other mom’s on the planet, decided it would be an awesome idea to move an elf around the house everyday and threaten her kid with no presents if they misbehaved. Not a bad idea in theory. But then all the Martha Stewart moms decided to elevate this elf into a full fledge fanatical member of Santa’s posse. This elf does crazy things like messes up the house, makes cookies, surprises the wee ones with homemade Christmas ornaments (while of course leaving his mess on the table for all to see), and other labor intensive “silliness.”

Apparently (I’m taking the word of a coworker), if you choose to have an elf that decides to just move around on your shelf night after night rather than TP your Christmas tree or make a snow angel out of powdered sugar, then you have a "lame" elf. Kids talk about these things at school you see.

This photo pretty much leaves me speechless. Really at a loss for words.

This is not cute. This is a product of an overachieving mom trying to outdo you.

So now, not only do parents have the usual suspects to worry about during the holidays ie. Pictures with the man in red, shopping at Toys R’ Us, fighting the crowds at various parades, light displays and festivals, they now also have to have an elf that is “crazier” and more “creative” then the kid at the desk next to him. I kid you not. They even have websites for things you can do with your elf.

101 things to do with your elf? Are you kidding me? I barely have time to shower. Who has time for this?

47. Put toothbrushes in toilet or clean toilet with toothbrushes– yuck (make sure new standbys are waiting in the wings) Who really thinks this is a good idea?

49. Have a package arrive via UPS/US Postal Service — new clothes for your Elf ordered by yours truly. As if Christmas doesn't already cost enough....

66. Cover a room with Post-it notes on EVERY wall Do this right after you donate 8 hours of time volunteering at an animal shelter and right before you right a 30 page thesis on global warming.

93. Punch stuffed animal in the throat What? Horrible

Or, if you don’t feel like smearing your house with candy cane elf poo and other Christmas cheer, you can always have an elf like my friend Shawn’s daughter.

Just trying to make some snow...

Now that’s an elf you can brag to all your friends about.

1 comment:

  1. Bahahaha! And oh crap. They talk about their elves at school?! I hope H's teachers will have a sense of humor.