"As for me, I'll take one baby marinated in a dish please"

Kidtacular Christmas

What is “kidtacular Christmas” you ask? It is a holiday season filled with brightly colored plastic toys rather than electronics. (Although this year for Christmas Ellyette is asking for 2 round-trip plane tickets to Washington to see her grandparents.) Pictures with Santa rather than happy hours with peppermint martinis. Zoolights with screaming kids and stroller wars rather than botanical garden luminaries and live music.

And for the most part, I welcome these changes. After all, who doesn’t want to fight for pavement space among the hundreds of strollers lined up to see an oversized talking giraffe at the Phoenix Zoo? It’s not everyday you see a chorus of meltdowns synchronized together by too much sugar and general over-stimulation.

And pictures with Santa? You bet we will withstand the enormous line at Bass Pro Shop to get a $25 5x7 of Ellyette screaming her head off with old St. Nick.

But for all the Christmas "must do's" that go with having a child, the one that I simply cannot for the life of me comprehend is the dreaded Elf on a Shelf. (Imagine me on my knees pleading with God for a moment and shouting,) "Why was this queer little creature invented and why oh why did it ever catch on?"

Actually, I know why it caught on. Because some mom, who obviously hates all other mom’s on the planet, decided it would be an awesome idea to move an elf around the house everyday and threaten her kid with no presents if they misbehaved. Not a bad idea in theory. But then all the Martha Stewart moms decided to elevate this elf into a full fledge fanatical member of Santa’s posse. This elf does crazy things like messes up the house, makes cookies, surprises the wee ones with homemade Christmas ornaments (while of course leaving his mess on the table for all to see), and other labor intensive “silliness.”

Apparently (I’m taking the word of a coworker), if you choose to have an elf that decides to just move around on your shelf night after night rather than TP your Christmas tree or make a snow angel out of powdered sugar, then you have a "lame" elf. Kids talk about these things at school you see.

This photo pretty much leaves me speechless. Really at a loss for words.

This is not cute. This is a product of an overachieving mom trying to outdo you.

So now, not only do parents have the usual suspects to worry about during the holidays ie. Pictures with the man in red, shopping at Toys R’ Us, fighting the crowds at various parades, light displays and festivals, they now also have to have an elf that is “crazier” and more “creative” then the kid at the desk next to him. I kid you not. They even have websites for things you can do with your elf.

101 things to do with your elf? Are you kidding me? I barely have time to shower. Who has time for this?

47. Put toothbrushes in toilet or clean toilet with toothbrushes– yuck (make sure new standbys are waiting in the wings) Who really thinks this is a good idea?

49. Have a package arrive via UPS/US Postal Service — new clothes for your Elf ordered by yours truly. As if Christmas doesn't already cost enough....

66. Cover a room with Post-it notes on EVERY wall Do this right after you donate 8 hours of time volunteering at an animal shelter and right before you right a 30 page thesis on global warming.

93. Punch stuffed animal in the throat What? Horrible

Or, if you don’t feel like smearing your house with candy cane elf poo and other Christmas cheer, you can always have an elf like my friend Shawn’s daughter.

Just trying to make some snow...

Now that’s an elf you can brag to all your friends about.


End of the world.....

Well, the end of the world didn't happen today. My theory on the Mayan calendar?

Beer always takes precident, even back then....


Every day is a gift

Before having Ellyette, I would have considered the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School an awful tragedy. I would have probably spent most of my time thinking about mental health issues and how this country ignores people who are a danger to themselves and others. How our healthcare system is not set up for those with massive issues and how we have very few tools to deal with these kinds of people. blah blah blah...

But now that I am a mom, the devastation of this shooting hits a whole new nerve. I feel sick to my stomach every time I think about it and whenever I see a picture of one of those little boys and girls, I cry. I can't help it, the waterworks just start. I can't even imagine being the parent of one of those twenty beautiful children. How does a parent go on after something like that? How will these people pick up the pieces? My heart breaks not only for what they have been through the last week, but what they have to continue to go through for the rest of their lives. And while I know the issues of mental health and gun control will rage on consuming the media for the next several months until the next thing comes along, I will not forget about the human factor in this shooting. I couldn't even if I wanted to. And I can promise that this Christmas season, and every day after I will hug my baby just a little tighter and hold her just a little longer, because every day that I have with her is the most special gift a mother could ask for.


Ways to ruin your kid without even knowing it

I just got done reading an article about how giving your baby a pacifier can cause such problems as depression, asthma, cardiovascular disease, metabolic syndrome, allergies, autoimmune disease and increased risk of ear infection.

If you don't feel like reading the article, here is a summary: A bacteria culture of a bunch of different pacifiers found all kinds of grossness which can lead the potential problems that I listed above. So unless you replace all of your pacifiers every two weeks and wash them daily, you are pretty much ruining your child.

And then, to add insult to injury, an article a couple pages over on Google had a different study that concluded pacifier use in boys can lead to emotional problems.

Absurd right? With all of the "studies" out there, from arsenic in rice to rocket fuel in formula, it got me thinking about all the ways I could ruin Ellyette without even knowing it. So I put together a shortlist of the a few of them.

Without further ado I present to you (drumroll please.....)

Krista's top 11 ways you can ruin your kid without even knowing it

11. Using a pacifier (see above articles)

10. Feeding your child formula. Will cause Salmonella, arsenic poisoning, obesity and diabetes.

9. But hold on, breastfeeding is also a no no. Apparently pesticides from that pineapple and banana I just finished are stored in my breast milk and will soon be passed to Ellyette the next time I feed her at a higher level then the FDA recommends.

8. And don't even think about juice, especially the apple and orange variety as it contains high levels of arsenic. And while you are at it, eliminate rice cereal for the same reason....

7. The century old "cry it out" method is no longer the preferred method of choice as it will give your baby brain damage and cause mental illness.

6. Sleeping on a crib mattress is no good either. It could be the root cause of SIDS

5. But co-sleeping on your mattress is just as bad. For the exact same reason.

4. Turn off the electronics! TV's, computers, ipads and any other "screens" are bad news for babies. Even "educational" programs are bad. That means YOU Baby Einstein. Screens can cause delayed learning and speech and later in life, obesity.

3. Disposable diapers will make little Johnny infertile later in life.

2. Lotion, bottom cream, body wash, soap and sunscreen often contain parabens. This means breast cancer, hormone issues, infertility and a host of other potential problems.

1. 1: Starting solids before six months: Will ensure allergies, obesity and type two diabetes.

0: But so will not starting solids until six months: For almost the same reasons....

And this list doesn't even include some of the other culprits like...another drumroll please......

immunizing your child

Not immunizing your child

Lead filled chinese toys

Stomach sleeping

Chemicals like formaldehyde in the furniture

And many many more....

So, to sum it all up:

You can’t feed your child until after he or she is six months old, no breast milk or formula, she can eat nothing. When you do start solids either before or after six months (it doest matter because you are wrong whenever you choose to make the introduction), you must avoid fruits, vegetables, juice, rice and pretty much all other food. And the food your child can eat, she will most likely be allergic too anyway. For entertainment, your child cannot play with anything made from China, which is everything - even a bunch of Melissa and Doug is made in the motherland these days. After all, you don't want to give your baby lead poisoning. Your child also can’t watch TV or play with any electronics. And yes, sucking on your iphone counts as screen time. She can play outside but she can’t use sunscreen. But she needs sunscreen to avoid skin cancer so she can't play outside. But she will get fat and aggressive if she stays inside. So you choose, fat and aggressive or skin cancer.

When bath time comes around she can get in the water, but can’t bathe with any bath products. She must only use cloth diapers or the "put newspaper on the floor and train her to pee on it like a dog method." The good news is, if you choose the newspaper method, you don’t have to worry about getting fecal matter on your furniture because you won’t have any - gotta avoid those chemicals!

Also, you also don’t have to worry about brain toxicity with the “cry it out method” because your child will not have a crib or mattress to sleep on. Although with the elimination of a pacifier they will have no way to self-sooth, so have fun with that.

And if all those studies haven't make your blood pressure skyrocket, I promise this one will. Direct from my favorite news source "The Onion" is the most in-depth of all studies: "Study Reaveals, Babies are Stupid." Gasp

So with that, I say good luck parents, we are all screwed.


The six-month review

In honor of Ellyette’s ½ birthday, I thought I would go on a tour of my most personal and intimate thoughts over the last six months - a peak inside my mind.

Month one – Welcome baby girl!!!

Labor and delivery was crazy. I’m so glad she is finally here!
What have we done?
Why am I crying, again?
Oh no, what is wrong with her? Why is she crying?
Why is her poop green?
Why is her poop runny?
Why do I spend a third of the day wondering about her poop?
Is she tired?
Is she hungry?
Does she need a diaper change?
Is she pooping enough?
Is she peeing enough?
Am I producing enough milk?
Should I be worrying about nipple confusion?
Should I be worrying about germs?
I am so tired
She is so beautiful, I can’t believe she’s mine
Breastfeeding is so painful. Can I keep doing it?
Why is she gassy? Is it dairy?
Will I ever stop crying?
I didn’t lose very much weight after labor and delivery. That sucks
Can she overdose on gripe water?
Whose eyes does she have? Ears? Nose? Mouth?
How do I do this?
I was totally unprepared for this
I hope I don't drop her

Month 2

Ditto month one questions +

Should she be spending so much time in the swing?
Is she too little? Too big? Too chunky? Too Skinny?
Is she developing mentally like she is supposed to?
Why does she hate tummy time so much?
Why won’t she sleep?
Why is she dairy sensitive?
What is an immature immune system? Did I cause this by doing something in my pregnancy?
Is she hitting her milestones?
Why is she gassy? Is it soy?
Why is she drooling so much?
How did I get such a cute baby?
Is she over stimulated? Under Stumulated
I hate it when she cries, why is she crying?
I love her so much.

Month 3

Ditto month one and two questions +

Is that a real smile?
Is she smarter than the curve? Less smart than the curve?
Is she over her dairy sensitivity?
Is she too hot? Too cold?
Is she getting sick?
Did she just laugh?
Is she bored, I hope she isn’t bored.
Why does she eat so much?
Is she normal?
Why is she gassy? Is it beans?
When am I going to start sleeping?
Why does she drool so much?
Why does she still hate tummy time? Will my putting it off affect her neck strength?
Does she recognize me yet?
Month 4

Ditto month 1-3 questions +

Is she starting to teeth? Oh no, I hope not
Rolling over and learning to boss me around in the same week? When did she grow up so much?
Why is she eating her fists and feet all the time?
Why is she so gassy? Is it curry?

Month 5

Ditto month 1-4 questions subtract the green poop question, the what have we/I done and the is she spending too much time in her swing. Add:

How can I possibly love her any more?
Who does she look like?
Why is she being so fussy?
How did I luck out with such an awesome kid?
Is she on track with her strength?
Am I a good parent?
That hair is amazing
I’m I a detriment to her health?
Should we let her cry it out?
Why isn’t she still sleeping?
Why is she waking up even more than when she was a baby?
Why won’t she nap anymore?
How can she function on such little sleep?
Why can’t I still eat dairy?
Should I keeping letting her feed on demand?
Should I give her teething tablets?
Should I give her teething gel?
Should I start her on solids?
I'm I instilling bad sleeping habits in her?
I really shouldn't still be co-sleeping.
She is never going to sleep in her crib.

And here we already are at month six. From:


These last 6 months have gone so fast that I fear the next questions I’ll be asking are:

Why is she friends with THAT girl?
Why is she so dramatic?
Why does she hate me?
Why does she have to be so boy crazy?
Is she smoking pot?
When do the hormones end?

In the last six months, of everything that I have learned, the most important is that it’s a 90 percent guessing game. You do the best you can and pray it’s good enough.