"As for me, I'll take one baby marinated in a dish please"

Safe Baby Handling Tips

One of Ben's coworkers is having a baby this month. And now that I have become the person that used to annoy me (the one who over shares her own experience right down to, "while you are in the hospital, be sure to order all of your chicken sandwich toppings separately. EVERY SINGLE ONE. From the cheese to the lettuce; even the mustard! I didn't and all I received was chicken in a bun. What a disappointment. You even have to order the salt and pepper separately!") - Yes, I really did say that to a girl I had just met and who was clearly thinking about the horrors of labor and delivery over what toppings she might or might not want on her hospital food.

And the rest of my advice to her that evening was about par to the chicken sandwich..."If you use the jetted tub, make sure the jets are off before the water covers them. We sprayed water everywhere because we couldn't figure out where the button was. It was horrible." I forgot to add that the horrible part was my gut wrenching, curl on the floor contractions.

And how about this solid jewel: "Don't forget to ring the bell when you are going to your recovery room. It plays a nursery rhyme throughout the hospital signaling a baby was born".

OR..."You are totally going to want this lanolin, because breastfeeding hurts almost as much as contractions. Really, it does."

I think the only good advice I gave her was to labor at home as long as possible. Something my sister told me when I text her at 2:30 a.m. the night I went into labor.

But after I mentioned the above, and she asked how I knew it was time to go to the hospital, I threw out this little nugget of wisdom:

"We didn't really know for sure. I just wanted to be far enough along that I thought they wouldn't send us home. And I was a little worried about leaving any later than 7:00 a.m. because of traffic. But it turned out we could use the carpool lane. I think in the end we just guessed when a good time to go would be and then we went."

I should really have my own advice column.

Fast-forward 15 minutes to my "after the baby is born" advice:

"Screw nipple confusion, I started pumping a couple days after she was born so Ben could take a shift. No way he was going to get out of that one."

And, "Good luck, husband. Postpartum is CRAZY. I cried over everything. From how beautiful my baby was, to how great my husband was, to how fat I still felt, to not being able to decide if I wanted a sandwich or salad. But don't worry, it eventually goes away. Right Ben? RIGHT BEN????"

Anyway, the whole night got me thinking to what solid (or not) advice I was given during labor and right after E was born. My sister deserves an A+ (shout out Nicole, yeah!). I'm pretty sure without her I would be a much worse parent. And all the other usual suspects have also contributed. Mother, Mother-in-law, friends, co-workers, annoying strangers, etc.

But then I started thinking about all those books I read. Did any of them do me any good. Did I learn one single thing from any of them? Check out my stash:

I swear I read every page of every book. Or at least the back cover summary page of every book.

But there was one book that stood out from the rest for its parenting prowess. A good friend who clearly knows me well dropped this book as well as a jumbo size pack of nursing pads into my lap right after Ellyette was born.

This red beauty has changed the way Ben and I parent. It contains all the advice I forgot to give just a few nights ago. Plus, it has the important bonus of "wheel of responsibility. To keep parents fair, honest and un-divorced." Read that? Un-divorced. Who could ask for more?

This is the kind of advise every new parent needs. Allow me to share just a few pages from this parenting godsend:

So, if I drink the XXX and then breastfeed, does that make it ok???

(I'm pretty sure both those people sent their application to me at Sittercity. But the one with books was actually faking her literacy).

In the future, I think I should just hand the book over rather than giving my two cents on how to condiment a chicken sandwich in the hospital. After all, you can't go wrong with a book that has a word from the authors that states:

Dear Baby Handler,

Congratulations! You have accepted the challenging task of caring for someone (other than yourself). This job will entail, among many difficult duties, trying not to misplace your baby; skillfully dodging the responsibility of changing your baby's diaper, and remembering not to drive off with your baby on the roof of the car. This book outlines some of the safe handling tips you will need to know. Follow along and you should be A-Okay.

Best parenting advice ever.


  1. OMG this is hilarious....I so wish someone had handed me that book....I think I might just have to go get me a copy....for future reference of course!

  2. OMG, I can't believe you wrote something so nice about our little Safe Handling Tips book. Sorry if this seems stalkery, but someone sent us a link to your post and I must say, we're super blushing all over the office. Thanks so much for your kind review and keep having fun! Oh, and for those of you looking for the book, you can find it waiting for you over at :-)

  3. If that seems stalkery, then I want more of it. I'm honored you read my blog AND taught me all of my parenting skills. And don't worry, I will make sure people of the bloggisphere don't hold you or your book responsible for any parenting offensivness I might cause.