"As for me, I'll take one baby marinated in a dish please"

Casper Babypants

Every time I switch Pandora to Casper Babypants a little piece of me dies.

I realize that I am slowly morphing into the parent I never thought I would become. If she has already broken me on the music, what’s next? Cheerios and French fries stuck in every crevasse of my car? Plastic, sun-faded toys rotting in my front yard? An 80’s style house in the suburbs complete with a swing set? +shiver up the spine+

I thought we had a compromise with “Civil Wars” radio. It had what both of us were looking for. Male and female vocals, acoustic guitars, mellow but not boring, a healthy mix of upbeat and slow songs, no synthesizer... And I don’t care how old or young you are, who can resist the sweet and smoky crooning of Ray Lamontagne?

I’ll tell you who. Ellyette.

The thing is, I made a specific effort during my pregnancy to listen to great music as to avoid this problem. From the day “What to Expect” said babies could hear in the womb, I tried to fill the air space with nothing but ear candy.

At first I thought my sphere of influence had won. As an infant she would only settle down to old school hip hop. Snoop D.O. double G was her personal favorite, with Tupac coming in at number two. And while I admit the lyrics to “Kush” aren’t the best, they also are not the travesty that is “Kids Bop volume 2 million.”

I still don’t know exactly when the change happened or why I couldn’t stop it. But within the last few weeks the only way to get her to stop crying in the car is to put on the dreaded “Casper Babypants” station and brace myself for barrage of animal noises, Kazoos, and imitation harpsichords. And nothing against Baby Casperpants itself. To my current knowledge it seems to be the most tolerable children's station out in Pandoraland. However, more than once I have asked myself which is worse, a crying baby? Or anything from Lucas Miller’s “I’m a Supa Dupa Pupa” album? While thus far a crying baby has won the “worse” contest, it is only a matter of time before I ‘thumb down’ every song on the station and Pandora plays nothing but Jack Johnson’s “Curious George” album with an intermittent flow of Chrysler mini van ads.

If it true that such artists as Marilyn Manson and Eminem can cause young troubled teens to snap with their music, I also then think that artists like Raffi must do the same for parents. Just hearing his voice makes me angry and by the third verse of “Baby Beluga” I’m ready to throw my phone out the window because it isn’t ‘thumbs downing’ fast enough. Raffi is my nemesis. How did he ever become a children’s artist anyway? How does any adult become a children’s artist? It seems like the bottom of the barrel for a musician. A desperate measure taken only when faced with an evection or electricity shut off notice.

Perhaps it occurs after months of preforming in empty dive bars for nobody but the bartender and the sound guy…….Hold on. I was in a band like that. Maybe I should get the band back together for a children’s album. If the Barenaked Ladies can do it, why can’t we? A Byeheart reunion. After all, we did have a song called Moles and Weasels. Not too far fetched from such tunes as, “Four little Duckies” or “Two Little Bunnies.”

Our front man was definitely creepy enough to be a children’s artist. And while I didn’t think our songs were annoying enough to be considered for a children’s album, nobody really came to our shows, so they must have been.


The Byeheart of old.........

Our current potential as Byeheart Baby......

Naaaa. That even creeps me out.