TOP NEWS

"As for me, I'll take one baby marinated in a dish please"

“Wearing your favorite knickers will induce labor”


“….because surely your water will break in them and contractions will begin.”

Sound stupid? It did to me too, until a couple days ago when I looked up the word “knickers” and seriously considered going into my closet and finding my favorite pants hoping that putting them on would break my water. Too bad they are like 8 sizes to small; otherwise I might still be wearing them just willing my water to break.

What four days ago started as me not being able to put my phone down due to the amount of calls and texts I was receiving, has now evolved to no calls or texts. Both family and friends have officially given up on my going into labor. And I can’t say I blame them. My due date has come and gone and I am still here, getting fatter and more miserable by the day. Did I mention it was supposed to be 108 degrees this weekend? AWWWWW!!! It is time for her to come, like 96 hours ago. But her not being here is not for a lack of effort on my part. I have tried almost everything short of standing on my head reciting the pledge of allegiance backward while blowing bubbles and sticking a Q-tip up my nose to get her out. It sounds ridiculous, but I’m sure that particular maneuver is out there on the Internet with somebody “swearing” it did the trick for them.

“Natural Induction” methods I made fun of for the sheer absurdity of them have know gone down in the “yep, tried that” category. I’m a desperate woman bordering on desperate measures. And this baby seems to mock my efforts with a middle finger pointing right at me with a good luck wink to boot. If this is any indication of what my future as a parent looks like, I’m totally screwed.

Check out some of the awesome things I’ve done to go into labor (and have so far failed me)

Nipple stimulation (oh yaaaaaaa)




















Red Raspberry leaf Tea

Sex

Going over bumps in a golf cart

Balsamic Vinaigrette

Tortellini Aurora (the top secret labor inducing dish that has worked for everybody who has tried it...except me
















Stripping Membranes

Acupressure

Spicy Food


Pineapple Core















Swimming


Ben telling the baby to “listen up, it’s time to come out”

Relaxation and glass of wine

Walking


Golf



















Lunges

Squats (while picking up all the dog poop in the yard)


And, although I haven't succumbed to drinking the devil's 'other' juice just yet, I am at the point where I am almost willing to give it a drink out of my trusty birthday shot glass, despite the fact that I might spend the evening admiring the photograph on my wall across from the toilet. Bottoms up?



















And in completely unrelated news.....

My mom, dad, Ben and I went miniature golfing two nights ago to try to pass the time while we wait for the baby. This was left on our car when we got done playing






Things that make you go hmmmmm











0 comments: