"As for me, I'll take one baby marinated in a dish please"

Kidtacular Christmas

What is “kidtacular Christmas” you ask? It is a holiday season filled with brightly colored plastic toys rather than electronics. (Although this year for Christmas Ellyette is asking for 2 round-trip plane tickets to Washington to see her grandparents.) Pictures with Santa rather than happy hours with peppermint martinis. Zoolights with screaming kids and stroller wars rather than botanical garden luminaries and live music.

And for the most part, I welcome these changes. After all, who doesn’t want to fight for pavement space among the hundreds of strollers lined up to see an oversized talking giraffe at the Phoenix Zoo? It’s not everyday you see a chorus of meltdowns synchronized together by too much sugar and general over-stimulation.

And pictures with Santa? You bet we will withstand the enormous line at Bass Pro Shop to get a $25 5x7 of Ellyette screaming her head off with old St. Nick.

But for all the Christmas "must do's" that go with having a child, the one that I simply cannot for the life of me comprehend is the dreaded Elf on a Shelf. (Imagine me on my knees pleading with God for a moment and shouting,) "Why was this queer little creature invented and why oh why did it ever catch on?"

Actually, I know why it caught on. Because some mom, who obviously hates all other mom’s on the planet, decided it would be an awesome idea to move an elf around the house everyday and threaten her kid with no presents if they misbehaved. Not a bad idea in theory. But then all the Martha Stewart moms decided to elevate this elf into a full fledge fanatical member of Santa’s posse. This elf does crazy things like messes up the house, makes cookies, surprises the wee ones with homemade Christmas ornaments (while of course leaving his mess on the table for all to see), and other labor intensive “silliness.”

Apparently (I’m taking the word of a coworker), if you choose to have an elf that decides to just move around on your shelf night after night rather than TP your Christmas tree or make a snow angel out of powdered sugar, then you have a "lame" elf. Kids talk about these things at school you see.

This photo pretty much leaves me speechless. Really at a loss for words.

This is not cute. This is a product of an overachieving mom trying to outdo you.

So now, not only do parents have the usual suspects to worry about during the holidays ie. Pictures with the man in red, shopping at Toys R’ Us, fighting the crowds at various parades, light displays and festivals, they now also have to have an elf that is “crazier” and more “creative” then the kid at the desk next to him. I kid you not. They even have websites for things you can do with your elf.

101 things to do with your elf? Are you kidding me? I barely have time to shower. Who has time for this?

47. Put toothbrushes in toilet or clean toilet with toothbrushes– yuck (make sure new standbys are waiting in the wings) Who really thinks this is a good idea?

49. Have a package arrive via UPS/US Postal Service — new clothes for your Elf ordered by yours truly. As if Christmas doesn't already cost enough....

66. Cover a room with Post-it notes on EVERY wall Do this right after you donate 8 hours of time volunteering at an animal shelter and right before you right a 30 page thesis on global warming.

93. Punch stuffed animal in the throat What? Horrible

Or, if you don’t feel like smearing your house with candy cane elf poo and other Christmas cheer, you can always have an elf like my friend Shawn’s daughter.

Just trying to make some snow...

Now that’s an elf you can brag to all your friends about.


End of the world.....

Well, the end of the world didn't happen today. My theory on the Mayan calendar?

Beer always takes precident, even back then....


Every day is a gift

Before having Ellyette, I would have considered the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School an awful tragedy. I would have probably spent most of my time thinking about mental health issues and how this country ignores people who are a danger to themselves and others. How our healthcare system is not set up for those with massive issues and how we have very few tools to deal with these kinds of people. blah blah blah...

But now that I am a mom, the devastation of this shooting hits a whole new nerve. I feel sick to my stomach every time I think about it and whenever I see a picture of one of those little boys and girls, I cry. I can't help it, the waterworks just start. I can't even imagine being the parent of one of those twenty beautiful children. How does a parent go on after something like that? How will these people pick up the pieces? My heart breaks not only for what they have been through the last week, but what they have to continue to go through for the rest of their lives. And while I know the issues of mental health and gun control will rage on consuming the media for the next several months until the next thing comes along, I will not forget about the human factor in this shooting. I couldn't even if I wanted to. And I can promise that this Christmas season, and every day after I will hug my baby just a little tighter and hold her just a little longer, because every day that I have with her is the most special gift a mother could ask for.


Ways to ruin your kid without even knowing it

I just got done reading an article about how giving your baby a pacifier can cause such problems as depression, asthma, cardiovascular disease, metabolic syndrome, allergies, autoimmune disease and increased risk of ear infection.

If you don't feel like reading the article, here is a summary: A bacteria culture of a bunch of different pacifiers found all kinds of grossness which can lead the potential problems that I listed above. So unless you replace all of your pacifiers every two weeks and wash them daily, you are pretty much ruining your child.

And then, to add insult to injury, an article a couple pages over on Google had a different study that concluded pacifier use in boys can lead to emotional problems.

Absurd right? With all of the "studies" out there, from arsenic in rice to rocket fuel in formula, it got me thinking about all the ways I could ruin Ellyette without even knowing it. So I put together a shortlist of the a few of them.

Without further ado I present to you (drumroll please.....)

Krista's top 11 ways you can ruin your kid without even knowing it

11. Using a pacifier (see above articles)

10. Feeding your child formula. Will cause Salmonella, arsenic poisoning, obesity and diabetes.

9. But hold on, breastfeeding is also a no no. Apparently pesticides from that pineapple and banana I just finished are stored in my breast milk and will soon be passed to Ellyette the next time I feed her at a higher level then the FDA recommends.

8. And don't even think about juice, especially the apple and orange variety as it contains high levels of arsenic. And while you are at it, eliminate rice cereal for the same reason....

7. The century old "cry it out" method is no longer the preferred method of choice as it will give your baby brain damage and cause mental illness.

6. Sleeping on a crib mattress is no good either. It could be the root cause of SIDS

5. But co-sleeping on your mattress is just as bad. For the exact same reason.

4. Turn off the electronics! TV's, computers, ipads and any other "screens" are bad news for babies. Even "educational" programs are bad. That means YOU Baby Einstein. Screens can cause delayed learning and speech and later in life, obesity.

3. Disposable diapers will make little Johnny infertile later in life.

2. Lotion, bottom cream, body wash, soap and sunscreen often contain parabens. This means breast cancer, hormone issues, infertility and a host of other potential problems.

1. 1: Starting solids before six months: Will ensure allergies, obesity and type two diabetes.

0: But so will not starting solids until six months: For almost the same reasons....

And this list doesn't even include some of the other culprits like...another drumroll please......

immunizing your child

Not immunizing your child

Lead filled chinese toys

Stomach sleeping

Chemicals like formaldehyde in the furniture

And many many more....

So, to sum it all up:

You can’t feed your child until after he or she is six months old, no breast milk or formula, she can eat nothing. When you do start solids either before or after six months (it doest matter because you are wrong whenever you choose to make the introduction), you must avoid fruits, vegetables, juice, rice and pretty much all other food. And the food your child can eat, she will most likely be allergic too anyway. For entertainment, your child cannot play with anything made from China, which is everything - even a bunch of Melissa and Doug is made in the motherland these days. After all, you don't want to give your baby lead poisoning. Your child also can’t watch TV or play with any electronics. And yes, sucking on your iphone counts as screen time. She can play outside but she can’t use sunscreen. But she needs sunscreen to avoid skin cancer so she can't play outside. But she will get fat and aggressive if she stays inside. So you choose, fat and aggressive or skin cancer.

When bath time comes around she can get in the water, but can’t bathe with any bath products. She must only use cloth diapers or the "put newspaper on the floor and train her to pee on it like a dog method." The good news is, if you choose the newspaper method, you don’t have to worry about getting fecal matter on your furniture because you won’t have any - gotta avoid those chemicals!

Also, you also don’t have to worry about brain toxicity with the “cry it out method” because your child will not have a crib or mattress to sleep on. Although with the elimination of a pacifier they will have no way to self-sooth, so have fun with that.

And if all those studies haven't make your blood pressure skyrocket, I promise this one will. Direct from my favorite news source "The Onion" is the most in-depth of all studies: "Study Reaveals, Babies are Stupid." Gasp

So with that, I say good luck parents, we are all screwed.


The six-month review

In honor of Ellyette’s ½ birthday, I thought I would go on a tour of my most personal and intimate thoughts over the last six months - a peak inside my mind.

Month one – Welcome baby girl!!!

Labor and delivery was crazy. I’m so glad she is finally here!
What have we done?
Why am I crying, again?
Oh no, what is wrong with her? Why is she crying?
Why is her poop green?
Why is her poop runny?
Why do I spend a third of the day wondering about her poop?
Is she tired?
Is she hungry?
Does she need a diaper change?
Is she pooping enough?
Is she peeing enough?
Am I producing enough milk?
Should I be worrying about nipple confusion?
Should I be worrying about germs?
I am so tired
She is so beautiful, I can’t believe she’s mine
Breastfeeding is so painful. Can I keep doing it?
Why is she gassy? Is it dairy?
Will I ever stop crying?
I didn’t lose very much weight after labor and delivery. That sucks
Can she overdose on gripe water?
Whose eyes does she have? Ears? Nose? Mouth?
How do I do this?
I was totally unprepared for this
I hope I don't drop her

Month 2

Ditto month one questions +

Should she be spending so much time in the swing?
Is she too little? Too big? Too chunky? Too Skinny?
Is she developing mentally like she is supposed to?
Why does she hate tummy time so much?
Why won’t she sleep?
Why is she dairy sensitive?
What is an immature immune system? Did I cause this by doing something in my pregnancy?
Is she hitting her milestones?
Why is she gassy? Is it soy?
Why is she drooling so much?
How did I get such a cute baby?
Is she over stimulated? Under Stumulated
I hate it when she cries, why is she crying?
I love her so much.

Month 3

Ditto month one and two questions +

Is that a real smile?
Is she smarter than the curve? Less smart than the curve?
Is she over her dairy sensitivity?
Is she too hot? Too cold?
Is she getting sick?
Did she just laugh?
Is she bored, I hope she isn’t bored.
Why does she eat so much?
Is she normal?
Why is she gassy? Is it beans?
When am I going to start sleeping?
Why does she drool so much?
Why does she still hate tummy time? Will my putting it off affect her neck strength?
Does she recognize me yet?
Month 4

Ditto month 1-3 questions +

Is she starting to teeth? Oh no, I hope not
Rolling over and learning to boss me around in the same week? When did she grow up so much?
Why is she eating her fists and feet all the time?
Why is she so gassy? Is it curry?

Month 5

Ditto month 1-4 questions subtract the green poop question, the what have we/I done and the is she spending too much time in her swing. Add:

How can I possibly love her any more?
Who does she look like?
Why is she being so fussy?
How did I luck out with such an awesome kid?
Is she on track with her strength?
Am I a good parent?
That hair is amazing
I’m I a detriment to her health?
Should we let her cry it out?
Why isn’t she still sleeping?
Why is she waking up even more than when she was a baby?
Why won’t she nap anymore?
How can she function on such little sleep?
Why can’t I still eat dairy?
Should I keeping letting her feed on demand?
Should I give her teething tablets?
Should I give her teething gel?
Should I start her on solids?
I'm I instilling bad sleeping habits in her?
I really shouldn't still be co-sleeping.
She is never going to sleep in her crib.

And here we already are at month six. From:


These last 6 months have gone so fast that I fear the next questions I’ll be asking are:

Why is she friends with THAT girl?
Why is she so dramatic?
Why does she hate me?
Why does she have to be so boy crazy?
Is she smoking pot?
When do the hormones end?

In the last six months, of everything that I have learned, the most important is that it’s a 90 percent guessing game. You do the best you can and pray it’s good enough.


Gobble Gobble

The irony of the above is not lost on me as the first thing I did this morning was go to the grocery store to grab cranberries and a paper for all the black Friday ads. Do I need another TV? No. But if the deal is good enough……
And indeed my first text of the morning was to my sister (who couldn’t pass up a 60” plasma TV that Best Buy was offering as a pre-Thanksgiving and black Friday deal). I text, “Ben found a wall mount for your TV for $25. Super cheap.” Next text. “Oh ya, happy Thanksgiving.”

Normally Ben and I don’t like Thanksgiving too terribly much. Ben works insane hours the week leading up to turkey day, and I always work on it. And then we both work the Friday and Saturday after. Not much of a holiday for either of us. And I like to think that I celebrate the things and people in my life more than just once a year. However, this year I do feel especially thankful. It might just be the never-ending post partum hormones that make me feel unworthy of my own life, but maybe that isn’t a bad thing. So hold on while I grab my tissue, start the Kenny G, and short list the people and things I am thankful for:

My amazing daughter who puts up with both Ben and me.

My incredibly wonderful and patient husband who has the strength to put up with a house full of estrogen (even both my dogs are female).

Family – Because my family is incredible. This also includes extended family and Ben’s family – the perfect trifecta.

My friends – both near and far who I also consider to be family

My stuff – because who doesn’t like stuff

Being able to afford stuff – because once upon a time I couldn’t even afford nothing

Research and Development /Fertility technology/Gennet and its staff/European medical prices – without these things Ellyette would not be here and I would not be quite as thankful.

Being able to live in a place where I can be me – For all the things I wished I could change about this world, I still live in a place where I can choose all things Krista; where I live, my level of education, my job, my friends…pretty much everything.

My health – So I can keep on trekkin'.

There are plenty more things I am thankful for, but the CD just started playing Holly Jolly Christmas, the candles have burned out and my eyes are almost swollen shut.

Happy Thanksgiving!!! And if you see me at Target in a few hours, remind me I don’t need 2/3’s of what is in my cart….


Oh the thinks you can think

Just contemplating some of things I could make out of all the hair that has fallen out of my head in the last month.....


Elections are over. Time to grab your bong and hotbox the car

Wait…There was a presidential election too?

Well, at least I followed all the important issues, like the legalization of marijuana in Washington State and Colorado. Being a native Washingtonian, I thought it appropriate that the state was finally able to nationally recognize its favorite pastime. Nobody REALLY thought that Washington was the Evergreen state because of the tree did they?

All kidding aside (sort of), my family – meaning my mom and brother-in-law took the liberty to turn the presidential election into a betting match. After all, who wouldn’t use the (arguably) most important American freedom to pursue a personal gain? Forget football games and horse races, time to put money on congressional district 2..and 3..and 4. And maybe with a little lady luck, even a legislative proposition or two. Really, who needs sports when you have elections? And by the way things looked this election, sports on TV will be nonexistent during election season anyway, replaced with 24/7 campaign ads.

But that is why I love my family. We can all have a little fun, even if we check different boxes on Election Day. And even though my mom is threatening to relocate to a foreign country after yesterday’s results, she still owes my sister and brother-in-law a fancy dinner before she leaves. And they won’t let her forget about it. Talk about adding insult to injury.

The good news however, that we are all still talking…or at least texting. Conversations like the the one below are the reason I love my fam.

And it goes on from there....But the gist is that regardless of how different political views can be (and in my family, they are very very different) We can still laugh at the end of the day.

But maybe that's because Brett had already taken advantage of Washington's new freedoms......


Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween Everybody!!

I just wanted to show off my ladybug

Pumpkin Bumbo - Ben's clever idea

With the matching pumpkin hat.

And in unrelated news....I just got an email from Careerbuilder letting me know that I should apply to be a Pizza Hut shift manager because I was a 93 percent match for the job.

So glad I spent the money to get edjumicated.


Casper Babypants

Every time I switch Pandora to Casper Babypants a little piece of me dies.

I realize that I am slowly morphing into the parent I never thought I would become. If she has already broken me on the music, what’s next? Cheerios and French fries stuck in every crevasse of my car? Plastic, sun-faded toys rotting in my front yard? An 80’s style house in the suburbs complete with a swing set? +shiver up the spine+

I thought we had a compromise with “Civil Wars” radio. It had what both of us were looking for. Male and female vocals, acoustic guitars, mellow but not boring, a healthy mix of upbeat and slow songs, no synthesizer... And I don’t care how old or young you are, who can resist the sweet and smoky crooning of Ray Lamontagne?

I’ll tell you who. Ellyette.

The thing is, I made a specific effort during my pregnancy to listen to great music as to avoid this problem. From the day “What to Expect” said babies could hear in the womb, I tried to fill the air space with nothing but ear candy.

At first I thought my sphere of influence had won. As an infant she would only settle down to old school hip hop. Snoop D.O. double G was her personal favorite, with Tupac coming in at number two. And while I admit the lyrics to “Kush” aren’t the best, they also are not the travesty that is “Kids Bop volume 2 million.”

I still don’t know exactly when the change happened or why I couldn’t stop it. But within the last few weeks the only way to get her to stop crying in the car is to put on the dreaded “Casper Babypants” station and brace myself for barrage of animal noises, Kazoos, and imitation harpsichords. And nothing against Baby Casperpants itself. To my current knowledge it seems to be the most tolerable children's station out in Pandoraland. However, more than once I have asked myself which is worse, a crying baby? Or anything from Lucas Miller’s “I’m a Supa Dupa Pupa” album? While thus far a crying baby has won the “worse” contest, it is only a matter of time before I ‘thumb down’ every song on the station and Pandora plays nothing but Jack Johnson’s “Curious George” album with an intermittent flow of Chrysler mini van ads.

If it true that such artists as Marilyn Manson and Eminem can cause young troubled teens to snap with their music, I also then think that artists like Raffi must do the same for parents. Just hearing his voice makes me angry and by the third verse of “Baby Beluga” I’m ready to throw my phone out the window because it isn’t ‘thumbs downing’ fast enough. Raffi is my nemesis. How did he ever become a children’s artist anyway? How does any adult become a children’s artist? It seems like the bottom of the barrel for a musician. A desperate measure taken only when faced with an evection or electricity shut off notice.

Perhaps it occurs after months of preforming in empty dive bars for nobody but the bartender and the sound guy…….Hold on. I was in a band like that. Maybe I should get the band back together for a children’s album. If the Barenaked Ladies can do it, why can’t we? A Byeheart reunion. After all, we did have a song called Moles and Weasels. Not too far fetched from such tunes as, “Four little Duckies” or “Two Little Bunnies.”

Our front man was definitely creepy enough to be a children’s artist. And while I didn’t think our songs were annoying enough to be considered for a children’s album, nobody really came to our shows, so they must have been.


The Byeheart of old.........

Our current potential as Byeheart Baby......

Naaaa. That even creeps me out.


Dear BreeAnne…Welcome to my new life

My younger sister BreeAnne just left from her first visit to Arizona since Ellyette was born. While she visits often, this particular time was more business than pleasure.

It started with my phone call to her a couple weeks ago, which went something like the following:
“So……what are you doing between the 16th and the 23rd? Nothing hopefully, because I really need someone to watch E the 19th and 20th. Heather is going to be in Indiana helping her in-laws harvest their farm. How awesomely rural is that? Please, please, please. I’d rather spend the money to buy your plane ticket down here then pay a stranger almost as much to watch her for two days."

While it might seem extreme to fly a family member down to babysit for a couple days, please reference my previous babysitter post to gain a full understanding of why this seemed like logic at its finest. Anyway… She couldn’t say no. After all, her memories of AZ include hanging out with yours truly, basking in the glorious sun, hanging out by the pool, hiking, golfing, drinking beer, hitting up a couple happy hours and eating the best Mexican food around. What’s not to love?

The days of old:

Patron shots on the golf course. Taken with the plastic Hawaiian shot glass feet from the dollar store (which you might also recognize from the orange juice and caster oil shot that I took just hours before starting labor) SWAGGY

Bree hitting her par 12

Hiking in Sedona -

Happy Hours galore

But oh how the times have changed. Besides the three days of watching Ellyette (Ben took advantage and worked a six day week to her surprise, hence the extra babysitting day), she also got to partake in such fun activities as….wait for it……

The pumpkin patch!!!

If she looks annoyed in that picture, it's because the pumpkin she is holding cost $9.

What a sport. She even posed as the creepy country pumpkin with shaved bodybuilding legs and a pair of wicked Frye boots.

The hayride out to the pumpkin patch. Complete with hay fleas.

The Zoo!!!!

Bree and E with Ruby the elephant in the background

The Train Park!!!!

Almost like Disneyland, but less fun.

Riding the kiddy train through the park. $2 of rip roaring fun for all ages.


That silly Bree brought her swimsuit. Little did she know that her pool time would be traded in for exersaucer and tummy time.

In the end however, I think she did have a good time. Even if that meant trading in margaritas at Valle Luna for cheddar goldfish at the zoo.


Safe Baby Handling Tips

One of Ben's coworkers is having a baby this month. And now that I have become the person that used to annoy me (the one who over shares her own experience right down to, "while you are in the hospital, be sure to order all of your chicken sandwich toppings separately. EVERY SINGLE ONE. From the cheese to the lettuce; even the mustard! I didn't and all I received was chicken in a bun. What a disappointment. You even have to order the salt and pepper separately!") - Yes, I really did say that to a girl I had just met and who was clearly thinking about the horrors of labor and delivery over what toppings she might or might not want on her hospital food.

And the rest of my advice to her that evening was about par to the chicken sandwich..."If you use the jetted tub, make sure the jets are off before the water covers them. We sprayed water everywhere because we couldn't figure out where the button was. It was horrible." I forgot to add that the horrible part was my gut wrenching, curl on the floor contractions.

And how about this solid jewel: "Don't forget to ring the bell when you are going to your recovery room. It plays a nursery rhyme throughout the hospital signaling a baby was born".

OR..."You are totally going to want this lanolin, because breastfeeding hurts almost as much as contractions. Really, it does."

I think the only good advice I gave her was to labor at home as long as possible. Something my sister told me when I text her at 2:30 a.m. the night I went into labor.

But after I mentioned the above, and she asked how I knew it was time to go to the hospital, I threw out this little nugget of wisdom:

"We didn't really know for sure. I just wanted to be far enough along that I thought they wouldn't send us home. And I was a little worried about leaving any later than 7:00 a.m. because of traffic. But it turned out we could use the carpool lane. I think in the end we just guessed when a good time to go would be and then we went."

I should really have my own advice column.

Fast-forward 15 minutes to my "after the baby is born" advice:

"Screw nipple confusion, I started pumping a couple days after she was born so Ben could take a shift. No way he was going to get out of that one."

And, "Good luck, husband. Postpartum is CRAZY. I cried over everything. From how beautiful my baby was, to how great my husband was, to how fat I still felt, to not being able to decide if I wanted a sandwich or salad. But don't worry, it eventually goes away. Right Ben? RIGHT BEN????"

Anyway, the whole night got me thinking to what solid (or not) advice I was given during labor and right after E was born. My sister deserves an A+ (shout out Nicole, yeah!). I'm pretty sure without her I would be a much worse parent. And all the other usual suspects have also contributed. Mother, Mother-in-law, friends, co-workers, annoying strangers, etc.

But then I started thinking about all those books I read. Did any of them do me any good. Did I learn one single thing from any of them? Check out my stash:

I swear I read every page of every book. Or at least the back cover summary page of every book.

But there was one book that stood out from the rest for its parenting prowess. A good friend who clearly knows me well dropped this book as well as a jumbo size pack of nursing pads into my lap right after Ellyette was born.

This red beauty has changed the way Ben and I parent. It contains all the advice I forgot to give just a few nights ago. Plus, it has the important bonus of "wheel of responsibility. To keep parents fair, honest and un-divorced." Read that? Un-divorced. Who could ask for more?

This is the kind of advise every new parent needs. Allow me to share just a few pages from this parenting godsend:

So, if I drink the XXX and then breastfeed, does that make it ok???

(I'm pretty sure both those people sent their application to me at Sittercity. But the one with books was actually faking her literacy).

In the future, I think I should just hand the book over rather than giving my two cents on how to condiment a chicken sandwich in the hospital. After all, you can't go wrong with a book that has a word from the authors that states:

Dear Baby Handler,

Congratulations! You have accepted the challenging task of caring for someone (other than yourself). This job will entail, among many difficult duties, trying not to misplace your baby; skillfully dodging the responsibility of changing your baby's diaper, and remembering not to drive off with your baby on the roof of the car. This book outlines some of the safe handling tips you will need to know. Follow along and you should be A-Okay.

Best parenting advice ever.


Wanted: Competence

We have finally started the nanny search (tears)

For about the last month Ben has suggested we get a nanny about 10 hours-per-week to help me out so I do things like clean the house, go to the gym, buy groceries, and most importantly, use our Arizona Cardinals football seasons tickets.

Translation: Ben misses a clean house, my old body, and attending football games with a beer in his hand rather than a baby.

He finally put his foot down last Sunday when we left the Cardinals/Eagles football game before halftime because even with those honking headphones, it was still too loud for E.

I’ve had the good fortune to avoid it up until this point as I’m only working part time and my childcare situation for work is nothing short of amazing. Ben has her one-day and one of my amazing friends has her two days. But because this amazing friend lives 45 minutes away, it is completely impractical to have her watch Ellyette for just a few hours at a time.

So Monday morning Ben put an ad on sittercity to find the perfect person to watch E fizzle dizzle. We were both excitedly anticipating all the great and qualified candidates that we just knew were out there. Visions of Ellyette and the nanny laughing and playing together danced in my head while I tended to the house and trained for that half marathon I told myself I was going to run in January….umm. ya.

By Wednesday, I was thoroughly traumatized by the applicants that had applied for the job. No way was I going to let any one of these people watch my kid.

So as of now, we have no nanny. But the good news is that I don’t have to worry about some idiot putting my kid in a commercial washing machine and shutting the door only to have it auto-start.

(for those of you who haven't seen this gem of a video....)

Based on the applicants we received, I have taken the liberty to put together a few tips on how to get a babysitting job:

Krista’s guide to getting a babysitting job:

1.For your online profile, a cell phone picture in the bathroom mirror just doesn’t cut it.

2.The above picture with “sexy pout lips” gives the impression that you are on the wrong website (hello Craigslist). No sluts allowed.

3.Thinking about posing with your Chihuahua for that profile picture? Don’t. It’s not that cute.

4.Posting that you are willing to watch up to 6 children by yourself does not make you 6 times more hirable.

5. The following statements will not get you hired. Anywhere. Ever.

“I really need a job at this momnet. And jobs anywhere else doesn't really want me since i'm still in school and i'm 20. But I promise you you can trust me.”

“I am eighteen years old and have recently graduated both high school and college as I was dual enrold.”

“I have had one year experince with babysitting my neighbors kid. I've only babysat her for the year. But i'm willing to work with anyone.

Of course nobody else wants to hire applicant one. But my guess is that it’s not because she is 20 and still in school (elementary school I presume based on her spelling and grammar). And her “I promise you can trust me” sentence makes me think she would lift anything not attached to the walls. I might as well say goodbye to my checkbook now.

Applicant #2 was duel enrold. I’m guessing she might have been duel enrold in halfway house high and the college of hard knocks. Imagine that, Duel enrold.

As far as applicant three, she might be willing to work with anyone, but I’m not.

Imagine choosing the person that is responsible for the most precious thing in your life from that pool. Wowza.

Anyway, continuing on with my guide

6. OMG, Don’t use txt spk on ur app. ☺

7. If you do get an interview, don’t show up 45 minutes early. And then have your boyfriend wait in his truck outside the house.

8. Turn your cell phone off during the interview, and if you forget at least don’t answer your text messages while you are describing your experience.

9. When I ask what kind of things you would do with a 4-month-old, don’t let the first and only thing out of your mouth be, “I guess I would have her watch those baby Einstein videos.”

10. Don’t tell me that you just “pretty much sit around your house all day.” - Especially when your application says that you are in college.

Based on the above list, I don’t think my expectations are too high. All I want is a nanny who can spell at a 5th grade level, have a respectable profile, and interact with my child rather than a cell phone. Not too complicated in theory….

On the bright side, unlike one of my friends, at least I didn’t have an interviewee with neck tattoos or one that offered to “take my baby away to the organic farm she had with her boyfriend to “get away” for a weekend. – creepy. Who would say that in an interview?

I guess I shouldn't be that surprised.